Dear British Police,
The other day, a rather violent chap called Raoul Moat left prison and announced something along the lines of: “I’m gonna kill my missus.” True to his word, he got hold of a shotgun and went on a merry little shooting spree, stopping occasionally to update his Facebook status and post updates on his hit list.
I poked him on Facebook which did seem to have the desired effect of calming him down, as he hasn’t killed anyone since. Although Facebook should really implement a Hug button just in case.
Anyway, he went offline and didn’t check into FourSquare for a couple of days, but this evening he was sighted at a riverbank in Rothbury with a shotgun pointed to his neck. My night of playing Team Fortress 2 was subsequently ruined because my eyes are glued to the utterly bizarre shit on the news.
So, as I sit here watching the Rothbury Circus long into the night, I think I will do my duty as a law-abiding citizen and share with you some of my musings on your dealing of the situation, in the hope that my ideas will hurry it along so we can all go back to watching more interesting crap on television.
- He’s pointing a gun at his neck. He’s lost and he knows it.
If I were in his position I would either shoot myself or fire on the police and go out in a blaze of glory. The second possibility is insanely dangerous, and good reason for people to keep their distance. I understand and respect you trying to take him alive. Good on you. But the way you’re doing it is moronic, especially if it turns out that he’s wearing a suicide vest or something. What you want to do is shoot him with a tranquiliser or throw a canister of gas in there. Or, if you want to make a big song-and-dance out of the whole ordeal (which I suspect you do, considering how needlessly drawn-out you’re making this), let the media in so we can at least watch the damn show. Just fly a chopper overhead and have a little disclaimer underneath saying “This is live: a head might get blown off. You’ve been warned.”
- You are sending him food and water. Stop it.
If you want someone to surrender without rendering them unconscious (which seems to be the case) and are prepared to wait (which you clearly are) then you starve them out, not feed them.
Or, better yet, DRUG THE FOOD. Again, surely this is painfully obvious?? No risk, no chaos, minimal expense. Raoul has a nice meal, falls asleep peacefully, wakes up back in prison and nobody has been hurt.
- You let Paul Gascoigne bring him beer and chicken?????
I’m not even going to comment on this one. I’m just going to post this photo from the scene:
- You have HOW many police on the scene?? Just send in the drugged food, Gazza, the beer and the guy above with the taser; he’s clearly hardcore. If anyone else in the country has been planning to commit a crime, tonight is a brilliant night to do it.
Okay, I’m gonna go play TF2 now as it’s nearing midnight and sod all is happening on the news, it’s mostly local MPs waffling about their Facebook pages. But I will leave everyone with this message: If you want to meet celebrities, have people bring you free food and beer, get on every TV channel in the country and gain the power to wave a shotgun around in public and *not* get shot (presumably the police reserve that behaviour for people carrying chair legs and other such things) then all you need to do is go on a little shooting spree then point the gun at yourself when cornered.
Useful to know.